So I'm riding through Kmart on one of those wheely-race-cart thingies, feeling like a hybrid of a biker-chic and an old granny, when I notice a Dance Dance Revolution game ON sale, controller INCLUDED. I make a u-turn, pleasantly surprised with the precision steering on my wheelycart, and find my mom.
"MOM"
"Yeah...?"
"DDR!"
"Deedee are..?"
"The game, the dance game, it's on SALE. And I'm SERIOUS about losing weight this time!"
My pathetic puppy dog eyes peering into hers, I overdramatize my injury. "I just wish my leg would get better so I could exercise and be healthy, and live a long life for your future grandchildren!" I whine.
She rolled her eyes, and I watched triumphantly as my prize was placed into the cart. I imagined myself, dancing with full style and flair, precisely executing each move as instructing by those calorie-burning rainbow arrows of weight loss glory. In my mind I was a sexy, dancing machine!
But we all know that NOBODY dances in real life like they do in their heads. Unless they happen to imagine themselves dancing like a crippled, mutated penguin that really needs to use the restroom. Then maybe they'll live up to their imagination's expectations.
It took two days of waiting patiently*
(*Patiently: To sit about and whine your head off and roll around on the carpet saying "I just wanna daaaaance")
for my leg to heal before I was in good enough shape to try out my new magical weight loss game.
I plugged in my Wii, set up the pad, selected the game and!
....
No sound.
How in the name of Curious Freaking George am I supposed to play a DANCING game with no sound? With no sound, I would have no chance of being the hot, flexible, majestic dancing pro I so imagined myself to be! This was unacceptable.
I changed the inputs. I muted and unmuted my TV. I reset the Wii. I unplugged and plugged back in random things that were associated with various technologies within a five foot radius of my television. I yelled at my Wii to stop being a jerk. I apologized for calling my Wii a jerkface and asked it politely if it wouldn't mind functioning properly.
Then I realized that my stupid brain couldn't tell yellow and white apart, switched those two around and had DDR music blaring in my ear because I was leaning down near the TV to fix the cables.
However. Success was mine. It was time to burn a bazillion calories by BEING AWESOME.
I hurry and go through the menus, entering information, selecting characters, and choose "Bad Romance" by Lady GaGa, because it's fast and I love singing "BLAHBLAH OOOAAOAAOA!" along with her, pretending to be an eccentric pop-legend.
Well, I’m going along, doing fairly well! I only look exceptionally ridiculous when I have to step the left, then immediately to the right. It sort of looks like I’m mushing grapes with my feet to make wine. Or an angry monkey. But at least wine is cultured. So I'm a wine-squisher dancer.
Anyway, I’m doing alright. Until I get to the "punches". You’re supposed to bring the Wiimote to your chest, then punch hard in the indicating direction. NO MATTER HOW HARD I PUNCHED, it wouldn't register. My beautiful combos were being broken by my Wii's incompetence! I imagined that I was punching an animal abuser, which made me punch harder, but my Wii was not satisfied. I pretended like each punch was landing square on the jaw of whoever invented Math. But my Wii was not amused. I imagined punching Hitler in the face.
It was then I discovered that my Wii is a Nazi.
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