We’ve all heard it. Water is the most important aspect to dieting. You can’t lose weight if you don’t drink water. 8 glasses a day! Water boosts your metabolism. Water can travel through time! Water will summon a weight loss unicorn to sparkle-zap away your fat! DRINK WATER TO WIN!
I knew that all of these things were true. So I decided that, starting today, I would drink 8 glasses of water. I would drink my daily ocean, and thinness would be all mine.
I filled my glass with ice, then filled it the brim with cool water. I couldn’t wait to drink it, because in reality, I really enjoy water. The problem is, when I start drinking other things more, I forget how awesome water is.
To be sure I got my first glass in, I drank the whole thing down in a solo chugging contest which I won hands down.
For whatever reason, my cat was very confused and his meowing made it hard to focus. I choked a little bit, but I drank the whole glass. I set down the empty glass with a triumphant clink. One down, seven to go.
I waited maybe ten minutes, and then drank an entire second glass of water, because I’d heard somewhere that drinking a glass of water before breakfast boosted your metabolism by 30%. That meant that my cereal would now only cost me 147 calories instead of 210….theoretically. And we all know how sound my theories are. VERY SOUND*.
After breakfast, I felt like I’d had more water than I did. I’d only had two glasses of water. It irritated me that my body was being such a pansy, and so, out of spite, I drank another glass of water. I felt bloated, but SO DID MY EGO. I would win the water challenge, and my body couldn’t stop me. I DRANK ANOTHER GLASS OF WATER and shoved my victory in my own face.
Feeling like some distant cousin of the water balloon, I made my way to my room to try to exercise. I felt like I was very round, and that it would be a great idea to teach my dog how to roll me to my room.
But my dog wouldn’t roll me; he just came to sniff me and wag his butt around and proclaim to me his undying love. But he didn’t help me get to my room so I crawled.
After forcing myself to do a few crunches, I was hit with an overwhelming necessity to use the restroom. I waddled my way to the bathroom to relieve myself, feeling oddly proud that I’d had so much water and that I’d had to go so badly. I was overcome with a peculiar sensation of victory.
I went downstairs again and drank two more glasses of water, hoping to further my triumph, but I only furthered the sensation of being seconds away from popping into a bazillion Davy pieces. It was then that I got a phone call. I heard my phone ringing halfway across the room and reached out with my hand, hoping it would magically levitate its way into my grasp.
It did not, and I had to WALK across the room and answer it myself. It was my mom. We had a brief discussion about something…about..stuff, and then I told her I felt sick, and she asked why, and I told her water, and she told me not to be silly, that water doesn’t make you sick.
SO THEN I DRANK MORE WATER, MOM. I drank all eight of my daily glasses of water, and I was PROUD. Bloated, moaning, groaning and PROUD. The best part was, it was only the afternoon, I could still drink MORE water and win EXTRA.
When my mom got home, she asked me how I was feeling. “AWFUL AND SUCCESSFUL” was my triumphant response.
My mom picked up my empty glass on the counter. “Davy, how much water did you drink?” she asked.
“Eight glasses, like I’m supposed to.” I said, almost condescendingly. I bet she hadn’t had eight entire glasses of water today. She was probably jealous. She wanted her very own weight loss unicorn, but she would never have one.
“Eight of thse glasses?” my mom questioned.
I paused. “Yeah, why?”
“These are sixteen ounce glasses.”
I’d drank 128 ounces of water, all in the span of a few hours.
That was the day I got double unicorns.
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http://www.zazzle.com/double_unicorns_button-145654535532081226
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