HA # 9 - The Sadzz

Today, today will be not only a blog for you, but a healing mechanism for me. It will not be a depressionfest, but it will also be a little more real than normal. Also, a little long. I hope you all can still enjoy this entry as my friends and support =)

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I am a happy person.

I am happy a lot.

But I am also a real person. I do not wear the same red dress everyday. I don’t always have two swoopeydos on either side of my head. (However, I DO have a unicorn.) I have a spectrum of emotion, just like everyone else. For those of you who want to know, this is me:

I’m looking at that picture and thinking “Wow, I’m not hideous or scary or anything!” which feels very nice. I’m also thinking “Hey, that guy even seems to sort of like me!”

And, I didn’t have to lock him in my closet to earn his affections, either. (Well, not longer than a couple days, anyway)

Well, even I, with my red dress and my unicorns, feel sad. Sometimes I get down on myself. It feels like there’s an army inside me, fighting a war against the Happies to make me sad.

Some of you may know my theory about the “Happies”. If you do not, you should read issue #3.

Well, I have a new theory. I believe that there is another army inside of me, called Sadzz. Sadzz appear like tiny little yous, and they try to make you feel like a bad person and make you sad. Their appearance is used as a psychological weapon to make you hate yourself. They are very crafty. They go into your brain and infiltrate your thoughts like little...mean things that are mean.

This, my friends, is my adventure with the Sadzz.

I am overweight. This is not a secret. This is not shocking news or any sort of surprise. If I wasn’t overweight, I probably wouldn’t be on MFP, and I wouldn’t be writing blogs about water and gyms and unicorns and weird old people. No, no. If I were skinny I would be writing about…okay, still unicorns, but not gyms. Point is, I need to loose some weight, and I understand that. 

Sometimes, I look in the mirror and my Sadzz flood into my brain like a sea of self-hatred. They talk to me, sort of like the angel and demons in cartoons, except…they’re both mean.

On the days when my Sadzz are particularly relentless, I will do one of two things. I will either refuse to eat anything, feeling like maybe I don’t suck at life as much.

Or I will eat so much food to make myself feel better that later on I end up feeling like I suck at life. My Sadzz are all too eager to remind me of it as well.

Both of these options are bad. They make me feel bad. They make my family sad and concerned, and most of all…those days just aren’t fun.

Yesterday, I weighed myself, and I’d gained back a pound. A whole pound. I didn’t understand it. My little brain tried to look back over the week, trying to remember if perhaps there was a day where I ate an entire bacon pizza by myself, or had rolled around in a chocolate fountain while pretending to be a vacuum.

 But I couldn’t remember anything like that. I’d just gained a pound. FOR NO REASON BUT THE FACT THAT THE WORLD IS A MEAN PERSON.

My Sadzz had a field day with me.

But they weren’t done. They weren’t done making me feel miserable.

Before I go on, there’s something else you all need to know about me. I’m an amputee. I’m missing my right leg, most of my fingers, and some of my toes on the foot I still have.

Today, I woke up with sores all over my amputated leg. They hurt, and they sting, and they made exercising not fun. This set my Sadzz off again, frolicking in their spree of terror.

I spent a lot of my inner thoughts today simply being down on myself. Down on myself for my weight, down on myself because my hands are different, down on myself because I can’t run like everyone else, because sometimes I slow people down, because, because, because. For this reason, or for that reason.

Tonight, I was making dinner for myself, as my Sadzz were terrorizing my inner thoughts. I was making spaghetti, and asked my mom if she wanted me to measure her out a portion, but she didn’t care to be precise about it.

Why? Why didn’t she want to be precise? It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that I was doing everything right, and I wasn’t getting any thinner. I made a stab at her, saying that it was fine if she didn’t really want to go on a diet with me. (I am also, in real life, capable of being mean). She defended herself, citing truths of how she was drinking more water and less soda, about how she was staying away from fast food.

But my Sadzz were still jumping up and down on my fragile psychological castle, bringing it down brick by brick.

I wasn’t satisfied, and I started going on about how I was doing everything right, and I was still gaining weight.

That’s when my boyfriend said:

And I blew up at him. In my fragile state of self-pity and tormenting Davyhate, that’s all he could think of to say? While an overwhelming army of Sadzz were having a crazyfest of sorrow on my conscious, he was over there saying I was “fine.” Stupid boyperson was stupid, and I yelled at him for it. I said something along the lines of:

And then, while I was yelling at him and being an overall drama queen psycho weirdo, he told me I was beautiful, and he gave me a kiss.

Explain to me, self. If you are so ugly and fat and weird, how did you get such an amazing boyfriend? Why do you have such a supportive mom? Why do you have such good friends? Why do people comment on your facebook pictures and call you pretty? Why do so many people read your silly little blog? 

You know why, self?

Because you are “fine”. You are fine, just the way you are. You have an amazing boyfriend because he loves you for who you are. You have a supportive mother because you deserve to be supported. You have friends who care about you because you’re a good friend. You’re friends aren’t just lying, you are pretty. People read your blog because they think you’re funny.

You. Are fine.

And “You” applies to all of you who are reading this. I know that you all have Sadzz. Sometimes, they bring you down and make you feel bad, you know why? Because Sadzz are JERKS and they are LIARS. Whatever Sadzz say to you, you should believe the exact opposite. YOU are beautiful and wonderful, JUST the way you are. If you have the desire to change, then by all means, change. But your mom or your dad, your sibling, your friends, your spouse, they all love you the way that you ARE. Because you are YOU, and you make them happy.

So when your Sadzz decide to come be donkeyhats to you, just remember that YOU are the person who activates somebody else’s Happies.