HA # 8 - My Gym Adventure

When I enter into my fitness tornados, I usually, instead of gradually becoming healthier, turn into a tazmanian devil of fitness, and then quickly faceplant into failure.

 I buy fruits and vegetables. I do crunches every morning in excess, I drink water to win, I get exercise equipment and...

Gym memberships.

Last time I got on one of my fitness kicks, I bought a three month gym membership. It was so shiny and glorious. I had one of those little keychain thingies that's like a partial card, and it had a barcode. When you went to the gym, you would scan your card into the scanner and then you'd be allowed in. It made me feel so awesome and officially. Sometimes if the person working the desk didn't see me scan my card, I would be polite and make sure they knew I was a member before entering the gym.

Now, this gym wasn't just some ordinary gym. It's two stories. The first story has a weight room, which I avoid as if it were filled with torture devices (which it may as well be).
The second floor has exercise machines like stairclimbers and bikes - which are my favorite. And down the hallway on the first floor, there's a pool. I mostly bought my membership just to go to the pool.

One day, during my fitness storm, I actually got up early with the intention of going to the gym. I filled my workout bag with a water bottle, a towel, a change of clothes, and shower stuff.
With my bag in hand, I hopped in my car and headed for the gym. As I was getting close, something happened. A song I loved came on the radio. I had to hear the rest! And listening while parked just...isn't the same. So I drove past the gym, to a traffic light and made a circle until the song was over. You all know you've done that at one point, don't lie.

Once I got to the gym, I headed straight to the second floor, running past the weight room so I wouldn't get dragged in by evil monsters.

I sat down on one of the bikes on the left side of the room. It was one of two open bikes in the room, the rest were being used. It wouldn't turn on. No matter what I did. Then, after five minutes of struggling, the lady next to me bothered to tell me that there was an "out of order" post it note on the ground next to my bike.

Gee, thanks. What, does your humanity kick in after 133 calories or something? Why did you watch me struggle this whole time? And I know, some of you are thinking "well maybe she didn't know!". She knew. She knew and she just wanted to watch me suffer.

Despite having gone to the gym to exercise and burn calories, I had absolutely no desire to walk ten steps across the room to the other vacant bike. But I mustered the strength and made it to my destination.
This is where I encountered the type of person I like to call a "Nosey Narcissist". A nosey narcissist is exactly what it sounds like. Not only do they glance at your indicator every thirty seconds, but then they smirk to themselves and think about how awesome they are for burning more calories than you, or for going faster, or being on a higher resistance level. They think you don't notice their "sneaky" peeking, but...you do.

After I got fed up with the people riding the bikes, I decided to go for a swim. I changed into my swimsuit (which will one day be upgraded to a two piece, you'll see), and headed for the pool.

As I came in, I didn't see anyone, or hear anyone. I was under the impression that I would have the pool all to myself, a magical fitness mermaid in my own magical fitness oasis. But I was wrong. As I turned the corner, my eyes caught sight of a very old man at the far end of the pool. My mermaid dreams were dashed.
I couldn't just leave. Then the poor old guy would think I was leaving because of him. Which was sort of true, but not totally. It wasn't him, it was the fact that I wanted to swim laps. But in order to preserve his feelings, I stepped into the pool with a grin. He did not smile back. He just gave me a look like "I'm an old man and I don't like you."

I tried to swim laps, but he was also trying to swim laps, and he was very slow. Then sometimes he would grab a pool noodle and try to...lift weights with it? At least, that's the only thing I can guess he was doing. How effective it was is undetermined. I would have to swim around him, and he would always look at me like I'd ruined his life. This look is very similar to the "I'm an old man and I don't like you" look, so don't get confused.

After my swim, I bought a water bottle, so I could feel like I'd really accomplished something. Then, I decided I would suck it up and go into the weight room. I walked in, looked at the machines, took a deep breath...

And walked back out.

But at least I had a water bottle, and earned myself a mini unicorn.