HA #7 - Why I Shouldn't Have Big Cities Adventures

I have always lived in a small, small town, 3 hours from the nearest city. We have a Wal-mart, a Denny’s and…like a park. And a mayor guy. I know where everything is, how to get there, and it has pretty much nothing to do.

 

 We literally play hide and seek in Wal-mart as our entertainment. It’s like my favorite thing. I am also pro at it, and if it were a profession, I’d be a millionaire.

 

 

 

 

Well, as some of you know, a few days ago I left my small town to go on a BIG CITY ADVENTURE to pick up my boyfriend, Josh.

 

I have found that I am a simple creature, not adapted for life in the city. I simply cannot process the vastness of it all, and I feel like Jell-O in a community of extravagantly made tiramisu.

 

Don’t ask me why I drew that. Even I will never know.

 

Anyway, this blog will be all about why I should never live in the big city, and why I should simply enjoy my simple life with fields and cows and Wal-mart.

 

While my mom and I were in the big city, we decided we would go shopping. Mostly at Kohl’s. Only at Kohl’s. I love Kohl’s. It is my big city best friend. Kohl’s and I are like peanut butter and more peanut butter, chocolate and extra chocolate, steak with more steak on top of it. That is how me and Kohl’s are.

 

So yes, shopping. When we pulled up to Kohl’s, my mom had to go to the bathroom. She gave me the keys so she could go inside, and I could park the car. I parked the car, made a note of where I’d parked, and went inside. We shopped for a couple hours, and when we were done, we headed back out to the car.

 

As we peered out over the parking lot, my mom looked at me and asked “Where did you park?”

 

Obviously my mother was not pleased. “Considering there’s a tree every four cars, you think you could be a little more specific? Did you park near or far?”

 

“Iiiiin the middle.” I told her.

 

I did not get to park the car again.

 

 This was my first reason for believing that city life was not for me. I might end up lost and afraid, wandering around a parking lot, slowly losing sanity as I lapsed into an endless abyss of stationary cars and trees that all look the same.

 

After we went shopping, my mom and I were trying to find a Chick-fil-a because it’s my mom’s favorite. We drove around on a street that looked like it would maybe have one, but it didn’t, and we were sad. Having no idea where we were, we brought out our GPS. His name is Sid, and he will be referred to as such.

 

So, we asked Sid how to get to a Chick-Fil-A. He told us the nearest one was nine miles away, but my mom REALLY wanted it, so we headed off. Bad plan. How were we supposed to find our way through nine miles of this endless sea of cars and yellow lines and concrete barriers?

 

We ended up taking a wrong turn. Like 8,000 times. Maybe more. Sid never tells us what to do in time for us to actually do it.

 

“TURN LEFT NOW – Oh whoops, nevermind…my bad…recalculating!”

 

 My mom is not the type who deals well with getting lost. She yells obscenities into the air and hates all the surrounding cars for no reason. My mom doesn’t ever actually yell at anyone, but I think they can sense her aura of anger anyway.

 

There could be a lady who runs an orphanage and an animal shelter in the next car, but my mom wouldn’t like her. Not when she’s lost.

 

 

 

                                                                                   

We finally found our way to Chik-Fil-A. And it was closed. My mom was very sad. We headed back to our “hotel” and we got lost again. I was starving, and my whining was not pleasing my mom. That is when she literally said

 

I don’t know what a nork face is, but apparently it was what my mom was, and I laughed so hard I forgot to be hungry, which was nice. This is what I think a nork face looks like:

 

This is the second reason why I should not live in the big city. I would get lost on the highway, and spend the rest of my life driving around the highway, with Sid as my only companion. He’s nice and everything, but he’s not sentient and I prefer sentient friends.

 

 

When we finally got less lost, we found somewhere to eat, and thus began my third reason for why cities and I should not be friends.

 

So much food.

 

SO MUCH FOOD THAT I SHOULD NOT HAVE.

 

I had a cheeseburger, and I also had a slice of zucchini, and also I had chips and spinach artichoke dip, and the best chicken strips ever in the entire world, and…AND

 

AN ULTIMATE MUDSLIDE.

 

 

For those of you who do not know what that is, I will tell you.

 

Mudslide = Ice cream + regular cream + chocolate + kahlua +  more chocolate + bailey’s + MORE CHOCOLATE + Chocolate chips on top of it with MORE CHOCOLATE ON IT. I don’t even know how I’m alive right now, but I am and it was AWESOME.

 

Not only was it not good for me, but THE LAW TOLD ME I COULDN’T HAVE IT.

 

And I said screw the government! I’LL HAVE ALL THE CHOCOLATELY GOODNESS I WANT AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME.

 

I know some of you check my food diary, to try and motivate me and keep me focused on the goal. I did not finish my diary that day, for I was afraid and my fear caused me to void that day from my life for all eternity.

 

And that was the day I discovered that even if I drank 8 glasses of water, your unicorn still might shun you for being a loser with no willpower.