HA # 9 - The Sadzz

Today, today will be not only a blog for you, but a healing mechanism for me. It will not be a depressionfest, but it will also be a little more real than normal. Also, a little long. I hope you all can still enjoy this entry as my friends and support =)

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I am a happy person.

I am happy a lot.

But I am also a real person. I do not wear the same red dress everyday. I don’t always have two swoopeydos on either side of my head. (However, I DO have a unicorn.) I have a spectrum of emotion, just like everyone else. For those of you who want to know, this is me:

I’m looking at that picture and thinking “Wow, I’m not hideous or scary or anything!” which feels very nice. I’m also thinking “Hey, that guy even seems to sort of like me!”

And, I didn’t have to lock him in my closet to earn his affections, either. (Well, not longer than a couple days, anyway)

Well, even I, with my red dress and my unicorns, feel sad. Sometimes I get down on myself. It feels like there’s an army inside me, fighting a war against the Happies to make me sad.

Some of you may know my theory about the “Happies”. If you do not, you should read issue #3.

Well, I have a new theory. I believe that there is another army inside of me, called Sadzz. Sadzz appear like tiny little yous, and they try to make you feel like a bad person and make you sad. Their appearance is used as a psychological weapon to make you hate yourself. They are very crafty. They go into your brain and infiltrate your thoughts like little...mean things that are mean.

This, my friends, is my adventure with the Sadzz.

I am overweight. This is not a secret. This is not shocking news or any sort of surprise. If I wasn’t overweight, I probably wouldn’t be on MFP, and I wouldn’t be writing blogs about water and gyms and unicorns and weird old people. No, no. If I were skinny I would be writing about…okay, still unicorns, but not gyms. Point is, I need to loose some weight, and I understand that. 

Sometimes, I look in the mirror and my Sadzz flood into my brain like a sea of self-hatred. They talk to me, sort of like the angel and demons in cartoons, except…they’re both mean.

On the days when my Sadzz are particularly relentless, I will do one of two things. I will either refuse to eat anything, feeling like maybe I don’t suck at life as much.

Or I will eat so much food to make myself feel better that later on I end up feeling like I suck at life. My Sadzz are all too eager to remind me of it as well.

Both of these options are bad. They make me feel bad. They make my family sad and concerned, and most of all…those days just aren’t fun.

Yesterday, I weighed myself, and I’d gained back a pound. A whole pound. I didn’t understand it. My little brain tried to look back over the week, trying to remember if perhaps there was a day where I ate an entire bacon pizza by myself, or had rolled around in a chocolate fountain while pretending to be a vacuum.

 But I couldn’t remember anything like that. I’d just gained a pound. FOR NO REASON BUT THE FACT THAT THE WORLD IS A MEAN PERSON.

My Sadzz had a field day with me.

But they weren’t done. They weren’t done making me feel miserable.

Before I go on, there’s something else you all need to know about me. I’m an amputee. I’m missing my right leg, most of my fingers, and some of my toes on the foot I still have.

Today, I woke up with sores all over my amputated leg. They hurt, and they sting, and they made exercising not fun. This set my Sadzz off again, frolicking in their spree of terror.

I spent a lot of my inner thoughts today simply being down on myself. Down on myself for my weight, down on myself because my hands are different, down on myself because I can’t run like everyone else, because sometimes I slow people down, because, because, because. For this reason, or for that reason.

Tonight, I was making dinner for myself, as my Sadzz were terrorizing my inner thoughts. I was making spaghetti, and asked my mom if she wanted me to measure her out a portion, but she didn’t care to be precise about it.

Why? Why didn’t she want to be precise? It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that I was doing everything right, and I wasn’t getting any thinner. I made a stab at her, saying that it was fine if she didn’t really want to go on a diet with me. (I am also, in real life, capable of being mean). She defended herself, citing truths of how she was drinking more water and less soda, about how she was staying away from fast food.

But my Sadzz were still jumping up and down on my fragile psychological castle, bringing it down brick by brick.

I wasn’t satisfied, and I started going on about how I was doing everything right, and I was still gaining weight.

That’s when my boyfriend said:

And I blew up at him. In my fragile state of self-pity and tormenting Davyhate, that’s all he could think of to say? While an overwhelming army of Sadzz were having a crazyfest of sorrow on my conscious, he was over there saying I was “fine.” Stupid boyperson was stupid, and I yelled at him for it. I said something along the lines of:

And then, while I was yelling at him and being an overall drama queen psycho weirdo, he told me I was beautiful, and he gave me a kiss.

Explain to me, self. If you are so ugly and fat and weird, how did you get such an amazing boyfriend? Why do you have such a supportive mom? Why do you have such good friends? Why do people comment on your facebook pictures and call you pretty? Why do so many people read your silly little blog? 

You know why, self?

Because you are “fine”. You are fine, just the way you are. You have an amazing boyfriend because he loves you for who you are. You have a supportive mother because you deserve to be supported. You have friends who care about you because you’re a good friend. You’re friends aren’t just lying, you are pretty. People read your blog because they think you’re funny.

You. Are fine.

And “You” applies to all of you who are reading this. I know that you all have Sadzz. Sometimes, they bring you down and make you feel bad, you know why? Because Sadzz are JERKS and they are LIARS. Whatever Sadzz say to you, you should believe the exact opposite. YOU are beautiful and wonderful, JUST the way you are. If you have the desire to change, then by all means, change. But your mom or your dad, your sibling, your friends, your spouse, they all love you the way that you ARE. Because you are YOU, and you make them happy.

So when your Sadzz decide to come be donkeyhats to you, just remember that YOU are the person who activates somebody else’s Happies.

HA # 8 - My Gym Adventure

When I enter into my fitness tornados, I usually, instead of gradually becoming healthier, turn into a tazmanian devil of fitness, and then quickly faceplant into failure.

 I buy fruits and vegetables. I do crunches every morning in excess, I drink water to win, I get exercise equipment and...

Gym memberships.

Last time I got on one of my fitness kicks, I bought a three month gym membership. It was so shiny and glorious. I had one of those little keychain thingies that's like a partial card, and it had a barcode. When you went to the gym, you would scan your card into the scanner and then you'd be allowed in. It made me feel so awesome and officially. Sometimes if the person working the desk didn't see me scan my card, I would be polite and make sure they knew I was a member before entering the gym.

Now, this gym wasn't just some ordinary gym. It's two stories. The first story has a weight room, which I avoid as if it were filled with torture devices (which it may as well be).
The second floor has exercise machines like stairclimbers and bikes - which are my favorite. And down the hallway on the first floor, there's a pool. I mostly bought my membership just to go to the pool.

One day, during my fitness storm, I actually got up early with the intention of going to the gym. I filled my workout bag with a water bottle, a towel, a change of clothes, and shower stuff.
With my bag in hand, I hopped in my car and headed for the gym. As I was getting close, something happened. A song I loved came on the radio. I had to hear the rest! And listening while parked just...isn't the same. So I drove past the gym, to a traffic light and made a circle until the song was over. You all know you've done that at one point, don't lie.

Once I got to the gym, I headed straight to the second floor, running past the weight room so I wouldn't get dragged in by evil monsters.

I sat down on one of the bikes on the left side of the room. It was one of two open bikes in the room, the rest were being used. It wouldn't turn on. No matter what I did. Then, after five minutes of struggling, the lady next to me bothered to tell me that there was an "out of order" post it note on the ground next to my bike.

Gee, thanks. What, does your humanity kick in after 133 calories or something? Why did you watch me struggle this whole time? And I know, some of you are thinking "well maybe she didn't know!". She knew. She knew and she just wanted to watch me suffer.

Despite having gone to the gym to exercise and burn calories, I had absolutely no desire to walk ten steps across the room to the other vacant bike. But I mustered the strength and made it to my destination.
This is where I encountered the type of person I like to call a "Nosey Narcissist". A nosey narcissist is exactly what it sounds like. Not only do they glance at your indicator every thirty seconds, but then they smirk to themselves and think about how awesome they are for burning more calories than you, or for going faster, or being on a higher resistance level. They think you don't notice their "sneaky" peeking, but...you do.

After I got fed up with the people riding the bikes, I decided to go for a swim. I changed into my swimsuit (which will one day be upgraded to a two piece, you'll see), and headed for the pool.

As I came in, I didn't see anyone, or hear anyone. I was under the impression that I would have the pool all to myself, a magical fitness mermaid in my own magical fitness oasis. But I was wrong. As I turned the corner, my eyes caught sight of a very old man at the far end of the pool. My mermaid dreams were dashed.
I couldn't just leave. Then the poor old guy would think I was leaving because of him. Which was sort of true, but not totally. It wasn't him, it was the fact that I wanted to swim laps. But in order to preserve his feelings, I stepped into the pool with a grin. He did not smile back. He just gave me a look like "I'm an old man and I don't like you."

I tried to swim laps, but he was also trying to swim laps, and he was very slow. Then sometimes he would grab a pool noodle and try to...lift weights with it? At least, that's the only thing I can guess he was doing. How effective it was is undetermined. I would have to swim around him, and he would always look at me like I'd ruined his life. This look is very similar to the "I'm an old man and I don't like you" look, so don't get confused.

After my swim, I bought a water bottle, so I could feel like I'd really accomplished something. Then, I decided I would suck it up and go into the weight room. I walked in, looked at the machines, took a deep breath...

And walked back out.

But at least I had a water bottle, and earned myself a mini unicorn.

HA #7 - Why I Shouldn't Have Big Cities Adventures

I have always lived in a small, small town, 3 hours from the nearest city. We have a Wal-mart, a Denny’s and…like a park. And a mayor guy. I know where everything is, how to get there, and it has pretty much nothing to do.

 

 We literally play hide and seek in Wal-mart as our entertainment. It’s like my favorite thing. I am also pro at it, and if it were a profession, I’d be a millionaire.

 

 

 

 

Well, as some of you know, a few days ago I left my small town to go on a BIG CITY ADVENTURE to pick up my boyfriend, Josh.

 

I have found that I am a simple creature, not adapted for life in the city. I simply cannot process the vastness of it all, and I feel like Jell-O in a community of extravagantly made tiramisu.

 

Don’t ask me why I drew that. Even I will never know.

 

Anyway, this blog will be all about why I should never live in the big city, and why I should simply enjoy my simple life with fields and cows and Wal-mart.

 

While my mom and I were in the big city, we decided we would go shopping. Mostly at Kohl’s. Only at Kohl’s. I love Kohl’s. It is my big city best friend. Kohl’s and I are like peanut butter and more peanut butter, chocolate and extra chocolate, steak with more steak on top of it. That is how me and Kohl’s are.

 

So yes, shopping. When we pulled up to Kohl’s, my mom had to go to the bathroom. She gave me the keys so she could go inside, and I could park the car. I parked the car, made a note of where I’d parked, and went inside. We shopped for a couple hours, and when we were done, we headed back out to the car.

 

As we peered out over the parking lot, my mom looked at me and asked “Where did you park?”

 

Obviously my mother was not pleased. “Considering there’s a tree every four cars, you think you could be a little more specific? Did you park near or far?”

 

“Iiiiin the middle.” I told her.

 

I did not get to park the car again.

 

 This was my first reason for believing that city life was not for me. I might end up lost and afraid, wandering around a parking lot, slowly losing sanity as I lapsed into an endless abyss of stationary cars and trees that all look the same.

 

After we went shopping, my mom and I were trying to find a Chick-fil-a because it’s my mom’s favorite. We drove around on a street that looked like it would maybe have one, but it didn’t, and we were sad. Having no idea where we were, we brought out our GPS. His name is Sid, and he will be referred to as such.

 

So, we asked Sid how to get to a Chick-Fil-A. He told us the nearest one was nine miles away, but my mom REALLY wanted it, so we headed off. Bad plan. How were we supposed to find our way through nine miles of this endless sea of cars and yellow lines and concrete barriers?

 

We ended up taking a wrong turn. Like 8,000 times. Maybe more. Sid never tells us what to do in time for us to actually do it.

 

“TURN LEFT NOW – Oh whoops, nevermind…my bad…recalculating!”

 

 My mom is not the type who deals well with getting lost. She yells obscenities into the air and hates all the surrounding cars for no reason. My mom doesn’t ever actually yell at anyone, but I think they can sense her aura of anger anyway.

 

There could be a lady who runs an orphanage and an animal shelter in the next car, but my mom wouldn’t like her. Not when she’s lost.

 

 

 

                                                                                   

We finally found our way to Chik-Fil-A. And it was closed. My mom was very sad. We headed back to our “hotel” and we got lost again. I was starving, and my whining was not pleasing my mom. That is when she literally said

 

I don’t know what a nork face is, but apparently it was what my mom was, and I laughed so hard I forgot to be hungry, which was nice. This is what I think a nork face looks like:

 

This is the second reason why I should not live in the big city. I would get lost on the highway, and spend the rest of my life driving around the highway, with Sid as my only companion. He’s nice and everything, but he’s not sentient and I prefer sentient friends.

 

 

When we finally got less lost, we found somewhere to eat, and thus began my third reason for why cities and I should not be friends.

 

So much food.

 

SO MUCH FOOD THAT I SHOULD NOT HAVE.

 

I had a cheeseburger, and I also had a slice of zucchini, and also I had chips and spinach artichoke dip, and the best chicken strips ever in the entire world, and…AND

 

AN ULTIMATE MUDSLIDE.

 

 

For those of you who do not know what that is, I will tell you.

 

Mudslide = Ice cream + regular cream + chocolate + kahlua +  more chocolate + bailey’s + MORE CHOCOLATE + Chocolate chips on top of it with MORE CHOCOLATE ON IT. I don’t even know how I’m alive right now, but I am and it was AWESOME.

 

Not only was it not good for me, but THE LAW TOLD ME I COULDN’T HAVE IT.

 

And I said screw the government! I’LL HAVE ALL THE CHOCOLATELY GOODNESS I WANT AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME.

 

I know some of you check my food diary, to try and motivate me and keep me focused on the goal. I did not finish my diary that day, for I was afraid and my fear caused me to void that day from my life for all eternity.

 

And that was the day I discovered that even if I drank 8 glasses of water, your unicorn still might shun you for being a loser with no willpower.

 

 

 

 

HA #5 - Sometimes Friends Lie on Total Accident

So, I lied. I double lied. First, I said there’d be no blog today, but there is. I also said today’s issue would be “Why I’ll Never be a Superhero”, but it’s not. I’M SORRY PLEASE STILL LOVE ME.           

 

Today’s blog will be about the fuuuutuure. Sort of. And also, it’s sort of a mini blog.

 

So guess what? I have boyfriend. This is my boyfriend.

 

He has hair in real life, but it’s curly, and when I try to draw his hair it looks like this.

 

So it will be better for everyone if he has no hair.

 

Anyway, his name is Josh, and I love him.

 

And I’m pretty sure after a couple weeks of being locked in my closet, he loves me too!

 

 

So, my boyfriend lives far, far away in a distant swampland of humid ickyness called Louissiaaaanna. It has terrible monsters and weird people there, and my boyfriend is very brave for fending them off daily.

 

Well, because he lives in a distant kingdom, I don’t get to see him very much. But he’s going to come visit me on Monday! Yaaaay! I live in a teeny tiny town, and so the nearest airport is ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE WORLD, three hours away.

 

So I’m going early!

 

A lot of you probably don’t know this, but being blog-famous is not my only talent. I’m actually a professional musician. I’m going to the big city a day early to record some music videos in a little mall studio. I’m going to record a special one with drawings in my blog-style, and if it’s not against the rules, I’ll upload it for you guys to watch.

 

So, what I’m trying to say is, I’ll be gone the next couple of days, and I’ll be busy showering affections upon my love, so I might not post a blog until Tuesday.

 

 

 

I’ll be picking up all the hearts, you see, and it will be time consuming.

HA # 6 - My Big City Adventure

I LIED TO YOU AGAIN I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON.

 So i am going to blog today. It will be an ADVENTUREBLOG! As I get internet access out in the vast distance of highway, I will upload the legs of my BIG CITY ADVENTURE!!!

 

 

So the only way you'll get to know what happens is if you come back here throughout the day! >:D (Or tomorrow...)

 

COFFEE TIME BECAUSE I ONLY HAD TWO HOURS OF SLEEP, FWEEE!!

 

 So, I know I said I wouldn’t be blogging today, but I realized that if I didn’t, there would be patches of anticipation I would be unable to fill! Then I would be reduced to rolling around various floors asking my mom if Josh’s plane is here yet.

 

For now, we are In the car.

 

We will be in the car for a long time,

We are entering civilization!! MAYBE THERE WILL BE INTERNET THERE!!

 

I went to grab my 200 pound laptop form the backseat, and I’m pretty sure I burned 5 billion calories. I wanted to do it without taking off my seatbelt, because if I take off my seatbelt, my car goes into a panic attack “WHY ARE YOU TAKING OFF YOUR SEATBELT BEEPBEEPBEEP WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!!?!?!?”

 

And They did have internet! So here you go. See you after the next stretch of vast nothingness.

 

So after I left civilization, pretty much nothing interesting happened at all, sorry :c  Mostly because I slept.  There could have been a dragon and I’d have never known.

 

After 3 and a half years (hours) of driving, we got to our “hotel”. It’s actually an elderly couple’s house, and they are very nice and let people stay there. The problem is they have no Wi-Fi. The sweet old lady barely even knows what it is.

 

I would have liked to update sooner, but I’m not magic (at least not enough to make internets). So I’ll have to go on an internet finding adventure later.

Anyway, I had recording to do, so my mom curled my hair and we headed off to the mall.

 

After we finished recording, I was dedicated to finding internet! We drove around for twenty minutes while I searched for Wi-Fi, but then…I got a little distracted…..

 

So my mom took me into Kohl’s. And I frolicked through the clothes, trying on a splendid assortment of brightly colored fabrictry.

 

I realized, as I was shopping, that if I looked like a mannequin…I could wear anything in the world and look good in it.

 

But then I realized that mannequins stand stupid, and I didn’t want to be one anymore.

 

 

After that, we went to eat dinner and I ate EVERYTHING I WANTED BECAUSE I’M IN THE CITY AND I HAVE NO WILLPOWER.

 

And that was my first day in the city.